life

More Random Updates – feeling very 23

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It has been quite a while since I’ve written anywhere here! I don’t really use my tumblr much either unless it’s the day after an award show and I want to look at all the cool pictures from the event or some gifs of my favorite artists. Anyway, I’m alive and well, sorry for the hugeeee delay in posts!

So a few things are going on. But in a nutshell, there is a lot i want to accomplish before school starts again this fall. Some of which, are already underway.

I’ve made it a priority to take better care of myself in every way. I’ve never been much of a fast food junkie or junk food hoarder, as I was brought up in a home where most things are made from scratch, so my eating habits haven’t changed dramatically. I’ve never really been into pork (although my friend had me try some she made at her house for dinner and it wasn’t bad), and I really only eat beef when I go to restaurants with friends and order a nice steak or a well done burger. And that certainly doesn’t happen often. Besides, I still enjoy tasty food!
I’ve been a person who walks a lot since middle school, I used to walk a mile to school and a mile back in high school. The mile-long walk home usually followed marching band practice or softball practice, so I had even more exercise. College slowed that down a little bit, but I didn’t have a car so I walked a lot anyway. I’m back home now, with a car, so I have to make the conscious effort to get my heart beating. That means taking the stairs, parking in far spaces in parking lots, occasional bike rides, and more recently, jumping on the trampoline. When I’m feeling really energetic I do legitimate workouts to keep the flab away lol.

Another way I’ve been trying to take better care of myself is to minimize stress. I’m a constant worrier. I criticize myself unnecessarily when it comes to my work, and I take constructive criticism very seriously. I naturally have the desire to please everyone and sometimes that means that I have to neglect my own feelings. I’ve made conscious efforts to express myself more. Some things I can’t just let slide anymore. A lot of dramatic stuff within my circle is now the least of my worries.

I’ve been teaching myself to understand my worth. Respect goes a long way. I give respect to everyone I meet, whether they return it or not. But I will no longer find myself in situations where my dignity is
Being compromised. I’ve been used for my time, money, resources and even my generosity and sometimes naïveté. I recently realized that the friends I value the most don’t expect anything from me but my presence and my friendship. I owe them nothing else. And that was a great feeling once I realized it.

In relationships, I still struggle with tolerance and opening up to people, but I’ve definitely become smarter. I’m grateful that I didn’t have to learn anything the hard way, but I’m glad that I’m at a point in my life where I still don’t need anyone yet, you know?

I feel like many people my age have similar goals and sentiments as I’ve mentioned here. The early 20s are really the years are figuring out life and where it’s going to go next. I’m having a pretty good time so far.

That’s it for now, thanks for reading! I’ll be writing about my new business venture shortly. 🙂

-tf

Random life updates

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Psssst!

Hey!

🙂

Long time, no speak.

I’ve been a little occupied lately, well, most of the time. Sometimes I do have time to write things here but I can never think of something interesting enough to write about that I haven’t already spazzed about on Twitter. So I thought I could just share what I’ve been up to in the meantime.

Okay. Here we go.

1. “Work.” I put it quotation marks, and I use air quotes when I talk about it person, because yes, I physically complete tasks and receive monetary compensation for it. I am basically an assistant, lol. My dad works for a contracting company in Washington, DC. I help out and basically do all the things nobody else wants to do. Errands, if you will. But is it part of my career path? No. Not at all. Honestly, I’m blessed to have what I have. One day, I’ll be able to return these gifts to my parents. I’ve been lucky enough to come from a family that is well off, by way of extremely hard work, faith, and support. I have a great work ethic, I work hard in everything I do, even though sometimes i like to cut corners to make it easier for myself. I challenge myself whenever I can, and I always want to do the best I can. This is true in my work, schoolwork, friendships, relationships, etc. I don’t like to shortchange people. If I can’t agree on anything else with my mother and father, I can definitely say that hard work is a major part of success. I’m blessed, I really am.

2. School. I think I’ve mentioned before that I am a graduate student. I’m pursing my master of science in Biotechnology, with concentrations in Biosecurity and Biodefense. Basically I study biological weapons and techniques. I have interest in science/biodefense policy, and I hope to make a career out of it very soon. It’s all part of my master plan. I’ll come back to this topic later. Otherwise, school has been a lot of work. I’ve completed 4 classes (12 credits), and I have 6 in progress, so if and when I successfully complete this semester at the end of April, I would be halfway through my program (yay!). May 2015, here I come. It’s not easy, at all. But I’m getting through it. Family life/life in general has made it difficult to stay focused and do the best work I can do, but I’m optimistic that I will get my 4.0 this semester. I keep getting 3.5’s…and I just want a perfect GPA for once lol. Anyway..enough about school…

3. My life. I’ve been a minimalist in that department for basically my entire life. And I’ve been content that way. I’m not really in a hurry to make any drastic changes, although it does cross my mind from time to time. I’m 23, so naturally I’m contemplating what I really want out of life. One of my best friends is coming up on her first wedding anniversary in May, and the other one is due to have her daughter any day now. So yes, I definitely get nagged about it, lol. When am I going to “settle down” and find someone? I don’t know. But I will tell you that kids are not in the near future. I’m still raising my siblings, lol. Dating is just more work than I’m usually willing to exert, but I think with the right person, I could compromise. Until then, eye candy is always welcome. 🙂

4. Writing. I’ve been busy with my other blog, called Life, Policy, and You. It’s centered more towards my career interests, and allows me to sound off and exercise my competence in science, society, and policy as they relate to each other. I figured that stuff didn’t belong on my personal blog, as it’s more news-like, technical, and political. So if you’re curious about my interests in science and policy, along with some cute, nerdy trivia from time to time, please take a few moments and check it out here. It’s still very brand new and I’m sure there are still problems with it, but bear with me. Thanks a lot in advance! I hope people can enjoy it as much as I like to write it.

5. Friends and such. I really haven’t done a good job at being around and available to everyone, mostly because I always have so much to do, but I always make sure people know that they are important. It wouldn’t be unusual for me to travel randomly when I have time to see a friend who lives far away, or have something nice sent to them in lieu of my presence. I’m terrible at texting when I have other things occupying me, and phone calls sometimes are impossible to return as I don’t really have time to do that until well after most normal people are asleep. But my friends mean a lot to me. I’m grateful to have friends who are not only as busy as I am, but are understanding. I’m glad there are people who don’t find my quirks to be odd and not charming, or who embrace my strange sense of humor. That’s so awesome. 😀

6. Photos. I have not taken any photos in nearly a year, and that is because I don’t really have time, and I don’t really enjoy taking pictures that I’m ‘told’ to take anymore. I’ve taken photos for artistic leisure, yes, for sure. But I don’t do events so much anymore. One, because at first I was helping friends for free, and then I started charging people and I noticed my stress levels go up because I get so worried about the quality of my pictures vs. the prices they paid. Another reason is because I usually do birthday/party outings at restaurants, lounges, and clubs, and taking photos for parties is exhausting and mentally straining. Imagine having 10 people hovering over you at any given moment asking you for a picture. Then they want to see the picture, then they want to take it again because they “look fat” or I “didn’t get their good side” or “one of my homegirls was in the bathroom.” And people get really fucking rude. Plus, you’re on your feet the whole time and you don’t get to drink and eat and float around like everyone else. So yeah, needless to say, I’ve taken a photo event hiatus until I forget how much I hate party pictures. Not to mention, the lighting is always REALLY bad.

So that’s pretty much what has been going on. I’m a full time assistant, deputy mom/tutor/chef/chauffeur/sugar mama (to my little brothers), grad student, artist, writer, and a very involved friend to those who consider me to be a friend. My life is a marathon, but I am so grateful.

tf

fear is

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One thing that makes you sweat in a cold room,
makes your heart beat fast while standing still,
gives you frightening  images, makes you anticipate impending doom,
and even when you know that you’re great, it makes you question your skill…

It Hurts

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**this may have typos, I typed this on my phone and didn’t proofread

It hurts.

I didn’t think it could hurt this much. My last living grandparent, my mom’s mother passed away this morning. I knew it would happen one day. Most of my lifetime I had only two living grandparents because my maternal grandfather had died in an accident when my mom was a teenager, and my paternal grandmother died of an illness when I was about a year old. My paternal grandfather died in May 2010 after battling Alzheimer’s for a while. He was 84, so he lived a nice long life, but I did cry because I never got a chance to meet him; I had only spoken to him on the phone, and he always remembered all of our birthdays, until the year leading up to his death. I was sad, but I quickly came to peace with it knowing how much he ha accomplished; including his novel on the cocoa plant that I still long to read. I found out he died as a sophomore in college. I was finishing up the year, I had just finished pledging my sorority, and we had a senior sendoff cookout for the seniors. My phone was partially off, so when my mom called me and I missed it, I couldn’t call back. Eventually she texted me telling me he died, and I kind of just paused a little bit. My friend Shannon was with me, we were walking to the picnic and I asked to use her phone. I spoke to my parents, and kept it together for a few minutes. I started feeling the sadness come in, and I don’t really cry very often, and I certainly don’t cry in front of people. I told my sisters I needed to take a walk. I remember one particular sister (who is no longer a member) scoffing and saying, “what the hell? She’s taking a walk in the middle of our picnic?” While I hadn’t told her what was wrong, that really annoyed me. I took a walk, found a bench, and just cried for about 5 minutes. By the time I had gotten myself together and returned to the picnic, Shannon had told everyone, and they came to hug me and offer condolences. I didn’t understand how I could feel so much for a man I never met, but I realized that’s just love. My father seemed very peaceful about it when I spoke to him, and that made me feel better about it.

Today, my dad an brothers took my aunt to JFK airport in New York so she could go back to Nigeria. My mom called me as I was waking up, and she told me that her mother died. I instantly woke up and just said, “What?” She had been sick for a while but I honestly thought she’d get better. She had diabetes, and it had taken toll on her body over the years. My mom was planning to go see her for the first time in 25 years in September. But she died. She’s gone. She was only 68, my mom will be 50 in October.

She died at 68 years old of a completely manageable disease. That really hurts. I will forever be angry that my mother couldn’t see her. I will forever be angry that the embassy didn’t let her come to the United States. I will forever be angry that my mom has to feel that kind of pain for a woman who never even reached 70 years old. I’ve been crying on off all day simply because I see my mom’s tears. My mom does not cry. She’s kind of like me (well I’m like her) when it comes to crying. I just wish I had met her. I had only spoken to her once on the phone by accident. She called the house when my mom wasn’t home. We didn’t speak to her because it’s expensive to call Nigeria and my grandma didn’t have a stable phone. She also didn’t speak great English, but now thinking about it, I wish it was different. But it’s alright. This was supposed to happen, and we can’t be upset at God for that.

Pray for my mom.

Bless you.

tf